About Me

Besides posing an effort to combat all inaccurate interpretations of the "zombie apocalypse," I am a single man; a single man named Nathan, aimed at spreading the truth like a shotgun shooting out justice. I am a single man, able to engender creations like the truest of ideologues, to grace people with the perfection of my verbiage and mindset. In all actuality this blog was a final project for Freshman Composition class, but regardless of the circumstance its truth and necessity ring true, even unto the hardest hearts. Sit back, relax your eyes, and learn the way the world is really working.

Introduction

The zombie apocalypse is one of the most popular areas of lore at the moment. It is society’s gold mine of “nerdiness” and its latest fads, which are disgusting topics that need a blog of their own to cover. It is now a fun little game to play with your friends. A role playing game, in the theoretical sense of the genre.

It has gone too far. Like the ideas of modern-day racism and our “love” of bacon, the zombie apocalypse has become so overused and watered down that we as a society forget and can not remember or fathom what it really is. It is an idea so mushed together that even a baby could understand it simply by watching our modern interpretations of it.

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I am speaking, of course, of the media-driven force-feeding of this new loved topic of debate and discussion. And boy, have you been living under a rock if you don’t know of these…

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So what is really happening with the zombie apocalypse then?

It has become a bag of facts that’s holding too much information for its size. And now it’s breaking, oozing out facts here and there, without being double-checked.

This, reader, is where you have the advantage. This is where you can make a difference, and combat all of the other zombie apocalypse ideas. Present this at a party. Present this with your friends at lunch. Anywhere is appropriate. Discuss this, and protect yourselves from the inevitable future.

Classical Theory

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If you have any perception of our modern definition of a zombie, than the classical theory certainly does not elude you. The boorish, sluggish, mouth-dripping sacks of flesh can congregate on a moment’s notice and trap any individual or group and take them by sheer numbers. Here are some ideas on how the classical theory will get started.

First, there’s the physical undead theory. This is not as popular in the modern day because its inexplicability fails to trick even the most sheep-like of apocalypse claimers. This idea is that the dead will physically be brought to life and attack.

The more popular idea is a virus. This one has the potential to be true; after all, you just need a virus that can enter your body in some way and have direct connection to your brain, managing to shut down major sections of your brain like the frontal lobe and certain portions of the limbic system, without causing harm to our sympathetic nervous system and brain stem. Simple, right?

Don’t become too discouraged, zombie lovers; as unlikely as it seems, the nasal cavity would actually provide a virus with this very route to the brain, and the capability to attack what it needs. Well, now you can get discouraged again: no such virus exists, nor does one show signs of appearing anytime soon.

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So, according to the classical zombie theory, these motor-skill impaired zombies will be forced to dawdle around, hoping to eat some human, even though a good majority of the humans will already be killed, given that the population is almost entirely made of zombies when TV shows or movies show the apocalypse (although no explanation is given for why there are so many humans dead already; maybe the zombies are trained hitmen?). Good luck with that.

No wonder so many people consider the zombie apocalypse a joke. We have it all wrong! Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. Take everything you know about the classical theory, and place it in its very own special category: a trashcan of social failures. It has a nice place between celery and high school sports.

Ophiocordyceps sinensis

I know, you’re tired of hearing me rattle on about how crappy the classical theory is. “Nathan,” you ask, “when are we going to become better people from this blog and learn about the way things really are on this rock we call Earth, instead of living in a fantasy world?” Well, here you go. I don’t theorize. I don’t imagine. What follows is nothing more than cold, hard facts.

The basic idea behind the zombie is that it is still an organism that contains life (whatever “life” is), trying to accomplish a particular objective (classically, eating “brains,” although there is no explanation as to how they would penetrate the skull, and all movies show zombies eating from the abdomen, a good distance from the brain) until it is killed off. It still lives, just without higher brain function. What would be the culprit if the classical theory is not true? Well, you might be surprised.

It’s a fungus. A fungus is what will cause the real zombie apocalypse. It is very bizarre thinking, I know, and it seems farfetched at best, but hear me out, and read what is ahead. The biology may surprise you.

For now, let’s talk about these zombies. There is a fungus in Thailand that is taking over the bodies of ants and wiping out entire populations. Don’t believe me? Maybe you’ll like BBC and Penn State more, then.

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This fungus, as pointed out in the study above, actually has huge diversity, and it has a wide spread. Essentially, you can find this anywhere you find a jungle (Asia, Africa, South America, etc.) There are thousands of species of this fungus, each with its own victim-species.

In case the video was “too long; didn’t watch,” a basic breakdown is this: An ant will become infected with the fungus, Ophiocordyceps sinensis (the specific binomial nomenclature for the species directed at the carpenter ant), and go to the top of leaves, or to the underside of leaves, and die there (killed by the fungus). The fungus will grow out of the back of its neck, blow up, and its spores will spread to the entire population.

The physical mechanism for control is rather interesting. The fungus essentially hijacks the brain and takes the driver’s seat, as mentioned by Penn State. From there it grows and reaches every part of the body, growing among all muscles. It controls every muscle extension and contraction, and walks just like the ant would up the stem. If it is on the underside of the leaf, it can use the ant’s jaws (mandibles) to grip very tightly onto the central vein, and dangle there. The grip is so strong it can last after death.

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This is a serious deal! This fungus is wiping out thousands of ants, moths, snails, and other small creatures simply by following this technique. And it is growing every day, finding more and more prey. But more on this in the next section.
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Cordyceps: Attack of the Killer Fungi. Perf. David Attenborough. YouTube. BBC, 03 Nov. 2008. Web. 09 Apr. 2013.

Evans, Harry C., Simon L. Elliot, and David P. Hughes. Hidden Diversity Behind the Zombie-Ant Fungus Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis: Four New Species Described from Carpenter Ants in Minas Gerais, Brazil. Ed. Corrie Moreau. PLoS ONE. N.p., 2 Mar. 2011. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.

Pontoppidan, Maj-Britt, Winanda Himaman, Nigel L. Hywel-Jones, Jacobus J. Boomsma, and David P. Hughes. Graveyards on the Move: The Spatio-Temporal Distribution of Dead Ophiocordyceps-Infected Ants. Ed. Anna Dornhaus. NCBI. PLoS ONE, 12 Mar. 2009. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.

ScienceCast: Zombie Ants. YouTube. Pennsylvania State University, 29 July 2011. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.