Classical Theory

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If you have any perception of our modern definition of a zombie, than the classical theory certainly does not elude you. The boorish, sluggish, mouth-dripping sacks of flesh can congregate on a moment’s notice and trap any individual or group and take them by sheer numbers. Here are some ideas on how the classical theory will get started.

First, there’s the physical undead theory. This is not as popular in the modern day because its inexplicability fails to trick even the most sheep-like of apocalypse claimers. This idea is that the dead will physically be brought to life and attack.

The more popular idea is a virus. This one has the potential to be true; after all, you just need a virus that can enter your body in some way and have direct connection to your brain, managing to shut down major sections of your brain like the frontal lobe and certain portions of the limbic system, without causing harm to our sympathetic nervous system and brain stem. Simple, right?

Don’t become too discouraged, zombie lovers; as unlikely as it seems, the nasal cavity would actually provide a virus with this very route to the brain, and the capability to attack what it needs. Well, now you can get discouraged again: no such virus exists, nor does one show signs of appearing anytime soon.

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So, according to the classical zombie theory, these motor-skill impaired zombies will be forced to dawdle around, hoping to eat some human, even though a good majority of the humans will already be killed, given that the population is almost entirely made of zombies when TV shows or movies show the apocalypse (although no explanation is given for why there are so many humans dead already; maybe the zombies are trained hitmen?). Good luck with that.

No wonder so many people consider the zombie apocalypse a joke. We have it all wrong! Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. Take everything you know about the classical theory, and place it in its very own special category: a trashcan of social failures. It has a nice place between celery and high school sports.