The Zombification Pandemic

Notice that this is not called the “zombie apocalypse.” No, I didn’t give it a different name just so I could act like a hipster on a high horse that has better ideas than anyone else. Even if I am. The name is functional, and we’ll discuss it later. But for now I will abstain from calling it the zombie apocalypse. I will refer to it now as the zombification pandemic (unless I refer back to the classical theory of a zombie “apocalypse”).

As mentioned above, the fungus Ophiocordyceps is changing. Notice I only said the name of its genus, not the species. It is essentially known as Ophiocordyceps, because the Latin word that follows (sinensis, unilateralis) refers to the specific organism it takes over. Ophiocordyceps is its general name.

I state this seemingly irrelevant fact because it actually does matter—Ophiocordyceps is changing at an alarming rate. It is evolving more and more, targeting a wider and wider variety of species. It is truly remarkable. And here is where we can talk evolution.

http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/525/overrides/zombie-ant-fungus-has-its-own-predator_52525_600x450.jpg

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/c100.0.403.403/p403x403/558885_10152709240585603_969747629_n.jpg

http://ak2.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/3483182/preview/stock-footage-cordyceps-fungus-infecting-a-grasshopper-on-the-rainforest-floor-ecuador.jpg

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To predict the future of any species is no job for one man. For some support I contacted a chair theorist, Terrill Sebastian Jr., to describe the evolution of the fungus. Note that this evolution is with a lack of human intervention. We are right now talking about an ideal situation for the fungus, and so will only discuss as if it is a straightforward evolution.

It is beginning with insects in the rainforest. It is likely to move between phyla after it gains a bit of momentum in the Arthropodic persuasion. To a certain extent, its current use will be effective; however, it won’t work for other types of creatures such as the Chordates. To infect birds, fishes (and yes, it is “fishes,” not “fish;” the plural of fish is fish when there is only one species, or fishes when there are multiple species), or other creatures, exploding would result in a less than preferable amount of infection.

In a modicum of help, Terrill Sebastian Jr. designed an evolutionary mechanism, allowing for the possible spread of the fungus. It is likely that it will fail to spread continuing its passive regime. It is likely it will have to become a more interactive fungus, one that forces an individual to in some way come into contact with another (like birds, living in a tree together). Following this mechanism it can continue its evolution, controlling more and more complex individuals with a mixture of spores and interaction (it is not likely that spores will become extinct; it is more likely that due to mutation the interactive breed will arise and coexist with the spore-driven fungus).

It will likely spread to mammals, such as primates or pilosi, and once it reaches the outer edge of the forest it is only a small trip to indigenous tribes, or other human populations. We are pretty wide spread, after all.

http://m5.paperblog.com/i/6/68332/indigenous-tribes-L-kX6Uyv.jpeg

Note, I did not say “hostile.” I said interactive. I know, I know, you really want to fight off hordes of infected and mow down groups of people, but it is not likely to happen. First off, there is no indication that infected individuals work together. The fungus doesn’t care about killing the group, it cares about reproducing. That is its biological imperative.

Because the fungus only cares about reproducing, it doesn’t need other infected individuals to accomplish that; it will simply asexually spread to the next individual.

So let’s summarize what we have so far: An individual fungus will infect someone, and then either A) reach a high location and grow a spore to let it explode, or B) interact with you and infect you directly. To do this, it will not work in groups. You will only have to worry about one at a time.

The pandemic will be interesting, in that the air will be dangerous to breathe due to spores. The individuals likely to directly infect you will probably be noticeable through one thing: although it is impossible to tell physically that they are infected, they will most likely be uttering some gibberish; babbling endlessly. I claim this because the fungus will know what it can do; it will probably not know why it does it or what it accomplishes. It will know there are vocal chords, so it will activate them, in a nonsensical way.

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So, a zombie is a lone wolf that will either die and spread spores or babble and spread fungus on contact. Obvious, but lethal. Also important to note: the humans will have full control of their motor skills, i.e. the zombies will not shuffle. They will run. And chase. And spread the fungus to you, if they are near the end of their life.

They will also not be “invulnerable,” as we think. It won’t take a clip to drop one; you are essentially fighting another human. A shot from a .357 revolver or a lethal knife wound (let’s pray the fight doesn’t get that close quarters) would kill it, just like a human. There is no need for increased strength; there is nowhere along the evolutionary line in which that would develop.
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Sebastian, Terrill J., Jr. "Pandemic Ideology." Personal interview. 12 Apr. 2013.

"Zombie"

I can hear it now; “Nathan, don’t be ridiculous. A person controlled by a fungus isn’t a ‘zombie,’ it’s a mind-controlled person.” To you people, I have one thing to say.

You’re right.

Now let me ask you this: do you consider the enemies in The Walking Dead, Resident Evil, 28 Days Later, and Zombieland to be zombies?

http://www.darksidecostumes.org/images/resident-evil-zombie.jpg

Do you think the image above is a zombie?

Well, you shouldn’t.

All of these zombies began with a virus. A virus is a small critter that, in these instances, control the individual on the cellular level and change their DNA. The virus resides in the individual, because it can spread after a bite. Now, what is so different, might I ask, from a virus changing your DNA and destroying portions of your brain, leading you to do things, from a fungus taking control of your brain and leading you to do things?

Really, it comes down to how you define a zombie. If you use my definition of a human that is no longer in control of its own choices, accomplishing an objective that it did not set for itself, then yes, an individual controlled by a fungus is a zombie. If you think differently, you may reconsider the fact that you’ve ever seen a zombie on TV or in a game, because the ones you are looking for are probably in small Haitian tribes.

Classical Strategy

Of course, now comes the time where you wonder if everything was in vain. Have you really been buying into all the hype for nothing? Have you been scheming, dreaming, and planning for something that can never happen? Don’t worry, my over-anxious friend, we can analyze the classical plan and see if it still holds water. In other words, will the classical zombie apocalypse survival guides work for the zombification pandemic?

Let us start with living conditions. This house has been deemed the zombie apocalypse haven, allowing for a nice courtyard with solid fences and moveable parts, creating a thick haven of security. It would keep everything outside of the house, outside of the house.

As nice as this would be, you have to understand that we are basically combatting humans, not to mention all the spores that will be lingering in the air. To go outside is near suicide. During the day, the house would be exposed, leaving the crafty human body to figure out a way inside. Using full range of motion and strength, this fungus could certainly find a way to breach the parameters of the house. Essentially, what we are seeing here is the utter uselessness of shelter as a defense mechanism: no matter where you live, you are vulnerable to the air, and to the infiltration of interaction-based fungi.

http://4closurefraud.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/fail-stamp.jpg

So shelter would have to change. But how about tools? And strategies? Well, this strategy is heavily based off of survival (camping, trailers, etc.), with some emphasis on weaponry. One item is a Recon Rifle. Useful against the classical zombies, but not so much here. Sure, it gives you firepower and ammunition, but it is not necessary. The reason assault rifles are preferred over shotguns in the classical apocalypse is to fight off a horde. When you are only fighting one zombie at a time, is it really necessary to have full auto? A shotgun or revolver would do a much more thorough job (and the handgun would be cleaner).

As for survival, it has already been mentioned that being outside is near suicidal; a nice tent or a tool to build fires is probably not going to keep you alive.

http://4closurefraud.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/fail-stamp.jpg

So far, it seems as if all is lost, and the plans really are useless. But do not fret; survival is still an issue. It is sure to say that if you are camping, the spores will kill you, but as far as generators and solar power are concerned, that is where the classical guide merges with the pandemic. You will need power in both instances if you want to survive (especially if you want to survive the pandemic, which we’ll get to later).

http://t3ak.roblox.com/37cc85cd5c42affae74aeb085057d357

So, although you will have to scrap nearly all of your plans, it’s not completely hopeless; electricity is still a concern that you will need, if you had already put it in your plan. If you didn’t plan on needing electricity, I not only question your plan, but how likely you would be to survive the classical apocalypse regardless.
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"Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guid: The Safe House in Warsaw May Keep Zombies At Bay [VIDEO]." IBTimes. International Business Times, 23 Jan. 2013. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.

"Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide." AskMen. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Apr. 2013.

Surviving

Now, for everyone’s favorite part: the survival guides. Yes, bring on the machine guns and semi-trunks and bunkers and chainsaws and everything else, it’ll be a good ol’ grinder!

No, not at all actually. This is the biggest difference between the classical apocalypse and the pandemic: surviving versus isolation. In the classical apocalypse you would need to fight a lot of zombies and do your best to stay alive. In the pandemic, you need to focus on staying away from infected folk and isolating yourself from the outside air. To help plan, I contacted self-defense strategist and zombie theorist Terrill Sebastian to come up with a proper plan.

To recap, fungus zombies will release deadly spores into the air and infect by interaction, while having full control of their motor functions. To start, it is safe to say that you can not, must not go outside. You will die immediately. The spores will enter through your respiratory system, travel to your brain via nerve connections through your mouth/nose, take root there, force you to climb up high, and kill you where your carcass will lie dead for a few weeks until it bursts out more spores.

Terrill Sebastian began with these: To stay away is to stay alive, and that being said it is useful we have time to prepare (because we will see it coming, and will have time to prepare ourselves). We will need self-contained suits, very similar, if not identical to, HAZMAT suits. There would have to be proper ways to eat, breathe, filter air, urinate, and defecate within these suits, and they would not be cheap. However, it would be totally necessary to stay away from the outside air. An astronaut’s suit is essentially what you would need.

http://www.wolfhazmat.de/interspiro/Trekkchem_Light.jpg

A weapon would be necessary to fend off interaction-based zombies. A simple bullet or two should get rid of them, even from a handgun (I prefer revolvers). The spores are the biggest threat.

Obviously, you can not survive a vagabond. For housing, he suggested a house with compartments. A lock and lack of windows should keep interaction zombies out, and the compartments are for surviving the spores. In order to enter the house you would need several separate rooms A disinfectant spray would be applied to your suit in one room to remove a good amount of spores. Then you would enter the second room, where you would remove everything and wash, wash, wash everything thoroughly, doing your best to hold your breath as much as possible. It’s not deadly to breathe, but why risk it? One spore, and you’re dead. Just one.

After hanging up clothing, you could then enter the house. It does seem a bit nonsensical to leave the house, but you would need food (it would have to be canned or bagged; you could not hunt because the spores would be covering everything). Foraging would be a necessity, and a difficult one at that. If it did reach apocalypse levels, these zombies would simply starve us to death by contaminating all of our food.
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Sebastian, Terrill J., Sr. "Pandemic Defense." Personal interview. 12 Apr. 2013.