The zombie apocalypse is one of the most popular areas of
lore at the moment. It is society’s gold mine of “nerdiness” and its latest
fads, which are disgusting topics that need a blog of their own to cover. It is
now a fun little game to play with your friends. A role playing game, in the
theoretical sense of the genre.
It has gone too far. Like the ideas of modern-day racism and
our “love” of bacon, the zombie apocalypse has become so overused and watered
down that we as a society forget and can not remember or fathom what it really
is. It is an idea so mushed together that even a baby could understand it
simply by watching our modern interpretations of it.
I am speaking, of course, of the media-driven force-feeding
of this new loved topic of debate and discussion. And boy, have you been living
under a rock if you don’t know of these…
So what is really happening with the zombie apocalypse then?
It has become a bag of facts that’s holding too much
information for its size. And now it’s breaking, oozing out facts here and
there, without being double-checked.
This, reader, is where you have the advantage. This is where
you can make a difference, and combat all of the other zombie apocalypse ideas.
Present this at a party. Present this with your friends at lunch. Anywhere is
appropriate. Discuss this, and protect yourselves from the inevitable
future.
If you have any perception of our modern definition of a
zombie, than the classical theory certainly does not elude you. The boorish,
sluggish, mouth-dripping sacks of flesh can congregate on a moment’s notice and
trap any individual or group and take them by sheer numbers. Here are some
ideas on how the classical theory will get started.
First, there’s the physical undead theory. This is not as
popular in the modern day because its inexplicability fails to trick even the
most sheep-like of apocalypse claimers. This idea is that the dead will
physically be brought to life and attack.
The more popular idea is a virus. This one has the potential
to be true; after all, you just need a virus that can enter your body in some
way and have direct connection to your brain, managing to shut down major
sections of your brain like the frontal lobe and certain portions of the limbic
system, without causing harm to our sympathetic nervous system and brain stem.
Simple, right?
Don’t become too discouraged, zombie lovers; as unlikely as
it seems, the nasal cavity would actually provide a virus with this very route
to the brain, and the capability to attack what it needs. Well, now you can get
discouraged again: no such virus exists, nor does one show signs of appearing
anytime soon.
So, according to the classical zombie theory, these
motor-skill impaired zombies will be forced to dawdle around, hoping to eat
some human, even though a good majority of the humans will already be killed, given that the population is almost entirely made of zombies when TV shows or movies show the apocalypse (although no explanation is given for why there are so many humans dead already; maybe the zombies are trained hitmen?). Good luck with that.
No wonder so many people consider the zombie apocalypse a
joke. We have it all wrong! Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. Take
everything you know about the classical theory, and place it in its very own
special category: a trashcan of social failures. It has a nice place between
celery and high school sports.
I know, you’re tired of hearing me rattle on about how
crappy the classical theory is. “Nathan,” you ask, “when are we going to become
better people from this blog and learn about the way things really are on this
rock we call Earth, instead of living in a fantasy world?” Well, here you go. I
don’t theorize. I don’t imagine. What follows is nothing more than cold, hard
facts.
The basic idea behind the zombie is that it is still an
organism that contains life (whatever “life” is), trying to accomplish a
particular objective (classically, eating “brains,” although there is no
explanation as to how they would penetrate the skull, and all movies show
zombies eating from the abdomen, a good distance from the brain) until it is
killed off. It still lives, just without higher brain function. What would be
the culprit if the classical theory is not true? Well, you might be surprised.
It’s a fungus. A fungus is what will cause the real zombie
apocalypse. It is very bizarre thinking, I know, and it seems farfetched at
best, but hear me out, and read what is ahead. The biology may surprise you.
For now, let’s talk about these zombies. There is a fungus in Thailand that is taking over the bodies of ants and wiping out entire populations. Don’t
believe me? Maybe you’ll like BBC and Penn State more, then.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuKjBIBBAL8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2irXpAMBHkE
This fungus, as pointed out in the study above, actually has
huge diversity,
and it has a wide spread. Essentially, you can find this anywhere you find a
jungle (Asia, Africa, South America, etc.) There are thousands of species of
this fungus, each with its own victim-species.
In case the video was “too long; didn’t watch,” a basic
breakdown is this: An ant will become infected with the fungus, Ophiocordyceps sinensis (the specific
binomial nomenclature for the species directed at the carpenter ant), and go to
the top of leaves, or to the underside of leaves, and die there (killed by the
fungus). The fungus will grow out of the back of its neck, blow up, and its
spores will spread to the entire population.
The physical mechanism for control is rather interesting.
The fungus essentially hijacks the brain and takes the driver’s seat, as
mentioned by Penn State. From there it grows and reaches every part of the body, growing among all muscles. It controls every muscle extension and contraction,
and walks just like the ant would up the stem. If it is on the underside of the
leaf, it can use the ant’s jaws (mandibles) to grip very tightly onto the
central vein, and dangle there. The grip is so strong it can last after death.
This is a serious deal! This fungus is wiping out thousands
of ants, moths, snails, and other small creatures simply by following this
technique. And it is growing every day, finding more and more prey. But more on
this in the next section.
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Cordyceps: Attack of the Killer Fungi. Perf. David
Attenborough. YouTube. BBC, 03 Nov. 2008. Web. 09 Apr. 2013.
Evans,
Harry C., Simon L. Elliot, and David P. Hughes. Hidden Diversity Behind
the Zombie-Ant Fungus Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis: Four New Species Described
from Carpenter Ants in Minas Gerais, Brazil. Ed. Corrie Moreau. PLoS
ONE. N.p., 2 Mar. 2011. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.
Pontoppidan,
Maj-Britt, Winanda Himaman, Nigel L. Hywel-Jones, Jacobus J. Boomsma, and David
P. Hughes. Graveyards on the Move: The Spatio-Temporal Distribution of
Dead Ophiocordyceps-Infected Ants. Ed. Anna Dornhaus. NCBI.
PLoS ONE, 12 Mar. 2009. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.
ScienceCast: Zombie Ants. YouTube. Pennsylvania State
University, 29 July 2011. Web. 9 Apr. 2013.